Let’s talk about meal trains! Meal Trains are a wonderful tool and a very practical way to love and support somebody. For those who may not know what a meal train is, it is a website calendar that people typically create when somebody is going through a season where cooking dinner would be time consuming or difficult. Whether that’s just after somebody has a baby, when somebody’s had a surgery, or somebody in the family has died. Especially here in the south, when we don’t have the words or don’t know what to do for someone…we make a casserole. If you’ve ever received a meal train, you know they can be just as annoying as they are helpful.
When my husband died, I had meals for three months. It was extremely helpful but also very overwhelming at times. Becoming a single parent and sorting through all the to dos, it was a huge weight lifted to not have to plan or prepare dinner. But sometimes well meaning people unintentionally made things, well…awkward. One time, I was sitting on my shower floor crying and someone was ringing my doorbell to drop off a meal, I could see them on my ring camera, and they just kept standing there waiting for me to come to the door. I just awkwardly sat watching them on the Ring until they eventually dropped it and left. Another time someone invited themselves in, wanting to help me make the kids plates, and then sat down with us as we ate and proceeded to ask questions about our situation and how we were doing. I also felt awful because people would bring these pans that could feed an army and it was just me and two kids. I threw out a lot.
So I share my experience not to shame anyone but to help others be more helpful! I even think back to how I did meal trains before I had kids or experienced such a loss and I cringe a bit. But no need for shame, we all have room to learn and grow and gain empathy and understanding. So here are my dos and don’ts for a meal train.
The dos and don’t of a meal train:
- DO set a reminder in your calendar.
If the family is not planning on cooking, a no show means their scrambling to figure out dinner! If something comes up, you can always send Venmo or do delivery.
- DON’T assume you have to cook a meal.
Going off the previous, you can sign up for a night and then do delivery! Chinese, Mexican, pasta, pizza, soup and salad. - DO get creative.
If you can afford to and want to help beyond dinner, include paper plates, plastic forks, some drinks, or a dessert. Maybe all the dinner slots are full, so bring some breakfast! My FAVORITE thing when I had my son was a friend’s frozen breakfast burritos. They felt like life savers in the morning when we were reeling from a sleepless night. My mom would make me a fresh casserole and include some freezer meals for another night! There are many ways to help beyond that one meal. - DON’T use dishes you need back.
Use disposable pans or cheap/old casserole dishes you don’t need to have back. Even though it may not seem like a big deal, the pressure of needing to remember to return something when your brain is mush and your schedule is totally off can be overwhelming. So if you do use non disposable pans be clear and send a text saying “I don’t need those back!” or if you don’t like creating waste then set a clear plan, “No need to wash that pan, just set it back on your porch and I’ll pick it up on ___” - DO keep young children in mind.
If you go a little spicy or adventurous with your meal for the parents, maybe throw in some classics like mac n cheese and chicken nuggets. Also, keep kids in mind with the time you bring your meal, remember that young kids usually eat a little earlier so if you don’t bring dinner until 6:30 there’s a chance the parents already made a meal for the kiddo by this time. - DON’T expect to stay and chat.
The whole point of a meal train is to help alleviate the time and mental strain from someone going through a big transition or difficult time. If they’re up for visiting they’ll invite you but don’t expect it or be offended if you’re not invited. With my son, I struggled with the “baby blues” and felt very weepy, it was hard to entertain guests and because I was so new to nursing and still healing it felt weird having people around. With my daughter, my hormones were much more balanced and I was more comfortable so I wanted people to hang out and chat. It’s always helpful to ask in a way that relieves that pressure from the person.Try something like, “Hey I’m dropping dinner off tonight. Are you up for visitors tonight or want me to drop off? No pressure, and if you don’t get a chance to respond to this text I’ll just drop it off!” - DO read the room.
If you do get the green light/invited to stay and chat, let the host guide the conversation. They may not want you to hold their baby, they may not want to talk about their delivery, they may not want to talk about their grief. Or maybe they do, maybe they’re craving deep conversation or adult conversation. It’s helpful to read the room and follow their lead. Some people don’t feel bad telling you no or leave or stop but others have a hard time and may feel guilty saying “I don’t really want to talk about this.”
What are some dos and don’t you would add to this list?