We lost my mother-in-law, Pacita, to dementia on May 12.
She was 80 years old.

I learned so much from her in the 28 years I knew her. One thing I knew for sure, she loved her family fiercely.

She and her husband Ben, Sr., who passed in April of ’97, were from the Philippines. But because he was a surveyor they traveled, living in Thailand (where my hubby Ben was born) and Papua New Guinea. They sent their children here to America to attend college as they each graduated from high school in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea. After the last of the four were here, they came over themselves and one by one they all went through the preparations and earned their United States Citizenship.

Her husband, Papa, called her Ita. Others called her Pacita and some called her Mom or Mommy. Our kids called her Lola, ‘grandmother’ in Tagalog. When I first met her in Valdosta, GA, she struck me as the typical TINY asian woman. I remember wanting to run my household like she did. She was sweet and strong. And tiny. So, so little. In the photo below with our kids, you can tell she couldn’t have been much more than a hundred pounds.

To me, she was the epitome of the Proverbs 31 woman.
Proverbs 31: 10-31
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

She loved animals and had dogs and guinea pigs and she fed the birds outside on her driveway every day. In the past few years, her #1 love was her dog Lola, and Lola was the greatest companion for her.
Sidenote: Lola means grandmother in Tagalog. When she adopted Lola the dog, she had already been named. We thought that was sweet.

Pacita also LOVED to eat. Every time we went out she wanted to eat somewhere and most of the time she wanted Chinese food. Later, when she started showing more signs of dementia, we would go for drives to get her out of the house. We always stopped to get her something to drink while we were riding around, whether it was a strawberry banana smoothie from Jamba Juice, a vanilla Frappuccino from Starbucks, or a strawberry milkshake from Sonic.

One of my dear friends, Leslee, loved hanging out with her listening to her stories and telling her her own. They loved teasing each other. Leslee taught her the electric slide… it was the sweetest time watching her laughing and trying to learn to do the electric slide. That memory is priceless to us. One of her favorite drinks was Naked Mango and Leslee asked her one day, “Do you know what Naked means?” and in a sweet, soft, whispery voice she said “It means no clothes on!” and then she just giggled and giggled like she was telling a secret. Oh my gosh, she was the funniest and sweetest thing ever!

She loved her music and carried her ‘boombox’ to each house as she moved and stayed with each of her children every few months. We mostly heard Elvis, Englebert Humperdink, and Tom Jones coming from her room. The last few years, here at our house, she listened to anything, like the rest of us, from the Eagles to Aerosmith, Chance the Rapper to Chicago, and Tim McGraw to Lauren Daigle. Right before we moved her into a Dementia Facility, we would wake up in the middle of the night, usually around 3AM, to Elvis or Englebert or Tom blaring LOUDLY from the boombox in her room. Dementia was taking over and she had no clue it was the middle of the night. Those were hard times but we wouldn’t have traded those times for the world either.

One of our regular outings was to Walmart. Boy, did she love Walmart. She always wanted to buy, buy, buy….especially if it was chocolate and celebrity magazines.

She brought so much happiness to our home and to the homes of her other children. When her dementia started getting worse, taking care of her and making the most of our time together while still keeping hope, was incredibly difficult. The last few years were hard, but the memories of her before dementia took her are what we will remember for the rest of our lives. These past few years with her taught us all to love well. To be kinder, and more determined to make our lives what we want them to be. Life is short and we should live each moment to the fullest.

For Ben and his siblings, the two people most important in their lives, the ones that sent them to America from another country for a better life, are gone. The Filipino culture is left in their hands and in the hands of their spouses. It’s our responsibility to teach our children and our grandchildren about their loved ones they will never meet. About the family they still have in the Philippines.

In the end, Mom forgot a lot. She mostly remembered long term things that happened years and years ago. Her short term memory deteriorated quickly. She was an amazing woman, wife, mom, mother in law, Lola, sister… and so on and so on. She was life for four kids in several asian cities and here in America. She loved and she was loved. And in the end, after her body and mind started shutting down, we were blessed that she still knew us as her children.